I am writing this on my lunch hour. I can't get Josh off my mind. I stopped by this house this morning, after I knew he had left. I didn't want to interrupt his goodbyes to Amanda and the kids. We had said our goodbyes the night before. I did want to make sure Amanda and the kids were doing okay. The kids were very happy to see me. Mason showed me the new sandbox, his new John Deere room decorations, and asked me to take him to Melissa's house (the childcare provider). Maddie was quiet and looked like she had been crying. Amanda (how I respect her), was teary eyed, but strong. She was determined to carry on with her routine, and keep going. I invited them to supper tonight, hoping that the first evening alone would be easier with company.
I cried some at work today, when a coworker asked me about Josh leaving. I hate to cry! But after the initial tears I settled down to work. We are short handed today, so it has been easy to stay busy.
A coworker will soon be sending her son back over seas with the military. I also met a family today with a newborn, and two toddlers whose Dad is getting ready to go overseas. It humbled me to think of their worries and sorrow, and I realized that at least Josh would be within a days driving distance, and fairly safe.
Even though Josh and I didn't see each other every day, just knowing that he was in town, and that I could call him, or he could call me for a lunch date or favor was reassuring. I will especially miss seeing him with his children. He is such a good father to them. He has lots of patience and is not afraid to play, play, play with them. It will be our personal mission to keep him informed of their progress, development and day to day victories.
I have had lots of times in my life when my children moved away. Jessica spent 6 years away from home (always in Missouri) during college, and then moved to Springfield. It was always, always hard to see her leave. And Josh also spent about 18 months away in college. But somehow this feels different. I think it is because Josh is so torn about going. It is not really an adventure that he is going on. And of course there is the saddness of leaving the children and Amanda behind.
We will make it through this. We will be stronger because of it. We will look back on this someday and say. . . remember when. . . But today it hurts. I imagine it will hurt again tomorrow and the next day. I am counting on this blogging to be great therapy for me. Check back. . . I am sure I will be posting often for awhile.

July 5, 20101
There is a change a coming. . . . I have been wanting to write about this change for quite some time, but I had to mentally process it first. I think the older I get, the less I like change. The older I get the more I realize that change is inevitable. But that still doesn't mean that I like it!
Tomorrow Josh leaves for a 6 month job transfer to Birmingham, Alabama. He made the decision to take this transfer for job security and supplemental income to help his family move forward in life. When he decided to apply for the transfer, it seemed like a remote possibility, and a long way off. But this week reality has hit all of us. Tonight will be his last night here for quite awhile. Amanda and Mason and Maddison will sorely miss him. He is an active and involved husband and father. His Dad and I will miss him. He is a loving son, but also a good friend to us. We spend quite a bit of time with him every weekend, and sometimes through the week. His absence will be like a throbbing thumb to us. A constant reminder that our family is not whole.
I know this sounds like I am whinning, and I guess I am. For the first time in my life I have just a tiny sense of what military families endure. Of course, God willing, Josh will not be in any danger like military people are. But he will be gone, and we will miss him.
Having said this, I must add that I am so very, very proud of him for making this decision for the benefit of his family. He does not see this as a big adventure, or a chance to escape from the routine. He will be working 7 days a week in an unfamiliar city. He will be living in a hotel without the comforts of being in your own home. He will be worried constantly about how his wife and children are doing, about their general welfare. There is no way to ease this worry for him. He will miss his daughter's first day of kindergarten, and her 6th birthday. He will miss Thanksgiving, a planned camping trip, Halloween and deer season with his dad and extended family. No, this is not a decision that he made lightly.
I have no doubt that this will make him and his family stronger. It will give them a life time of appreciation for having the luxury of being together.
It will be a long 6 months. We will do what we all can to help each other get through this. It will be a learning experience and an opportunity. But right now, it hurts to think about it. It hurts to try to imagine it.
I have had some chance to reflect on this, and this is what I know: Josh is doing this out of love and responsibility, Amanda is a strong, capable partner, or he wouldn't be able to do this, Jessica and Scott will help up all by being here and doing what they do best (pitch in when needed, and just being here), Maddison and Mason will not really understand why their Dad is gone, and I think this will be the hardest part for all of us.
On the bright side, I am looking forward to my first trip to Birmingham. I don't know when or how, but I plan on making the trip at least once in the next 6 months. And I will take oatmeal raisin cookies, and maybe an apple pie. Two things Josh will miss out on this fall.
Yes, there is a change coming. Do we like it? NO. Do we understand it? Yes. Will we get through it? Of course. Change. . . .

Did you ever have such a busy time in your life that you weren't sure if you were coming or going? I seemed to have hit such a point. We have two extra adults living in our house right now, so there are more demands on my time, but also more fun activities to fill the evenings and weekends (Four point pitch, conversations on the porch swing etc). In addition to that, I have committed myself anew to exercise. My typical day involves a morning workout at the Y (40 minutes on the treadmill, some weights), then off to work to change clothes and of course, work, and then it is back to the Y for water aerobics for an hour. That makes a lot of extra clothes changes and laundry. So far, it has been worth it. I am feeling more energetic and healthier. To add to the schedule, my granddaughter is playing "ragball" this summer, so it is back to the ball park after a 10 year break from all things sports related. All of these things are good, even great, but they leave little time for blogging. I am writing this on my work lunch time, which is usually not conducive to clear thought.
On thing is for sure. . . at the end of the day, I am tired, spent and ready to sleep. My television watching is way down, which is a big plus to this schedule. I will try to squeeze in some time to blog more. I miss committing my thoughts to paper. I guess only time will tell if my plan will be effective. Until then, have a great summer!

Wow. I can't believe that I have not written in over a month. It has been busy around here lately. We just got back from a trip to Florida and in the same weekend helped load our daughter and son-in-laws worldly possessions on a truck and move back to Moberly. The final move won't happen until the end of the week, but the bulk of their home is now in a storage building in Moberly. They will be staying with us for a few weeks while they wait for their renters to vacate their home. It is amazing how people scatter when you say the four letter word, M-O-V-E! We were fortunate to have our son, Josh help. Scott and Jessica made the move easier by having everything packed and waiting at the door. All in all, it turned out to be much quicker and easier than I thought (of course I wasn't the one actually moving much). Anytime something like this happens, you really get a strong sense of how important it is for family to support each other. It takes a lot of effort to give of yourself, but the rewards are many. I am guilty of not doing enough for others. I know I help my immediate family, but finding the time to reach out past that is difficult. After the recent move, I reminded myself of the importance of being a better sister, daughter, and friend to others in need. I will have to work on this. I know that any help others have given to me or my family has always been appreciated.

There is a story about a Navajo grandfather who once told his grandson, "Two wolves live inside of me. One is the bad wold, full of greed and laziness, full of anger and jealousy and regret. The other is the good wolf, full of joy and compassion and willingness and a great love for the world. All the time, these wolves are fighting inside me." "But Grandfather," the boy said, "Which wolf will win?" The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."
I recently read this in a novel by Elizabeth Berg. I found so much truth in it that I had to post it. Don't we all tend to personify the part of us that we feed? The crime is not in having the two wolves inside of us, but it comes by deciding which one we will nourish.
Since I can't possibly improve on that Navajo story, I will sign off for today.

This has been the most beautiful spring day you can imagine! Warm, sunny, slight breeze, just perfect! I had an evening meeting tonight and on the way home I opened the moon roof, turned up the stereo and set the cruise control. This is the weather that I kept praying for through the long, dreary winter. Funny how the weather can affect a person's mood. I feel more hopeful, optimistic and relaxed when the sun is shining. As I pulled into my driveway tonight, there was a small herd of deer milling around our hay field. What a perfect way to end the day.
It has been a good diet day. I did a hard 30 minutes on the treadmill this morning, had a low cal breakfast and lunch, and limited myself to 2 small pieces of cheese pizza for supper (provided at the meeting). I even passed up brownies, cookies and multiple servings of chocolate (I had one bite size piece of chocolate). Tomorrow I am planning on going to the Y again. I have an evening presentation to make, so supper will be late. But I will stay strong and keep on the healthy track. Overall, this has been almost the perfect day, especially since it is Monday!!

Well, the long journey begins again. After a few months of being out of control, I am back in the weight loss game. In fact, as I write this, I am enjoying a small bowl of Fiber One and Bran cereal. Yummy! I never really lost control, but I must have the slowest metabolism on the planet. I can work out, eat right and still not lose weight. When I do lose, it may be a half pound or so a week. I know that is still something, but come on, how discouraging can that be? I see others eat more and do less than me and lose two pounds a week. What I really need is Bob Green and Dr. Oz on the case! They could certainly figure this out.
One thing I know for sure, I am probably the healthiest eating fat person you will ever meet. Lots of veggies and fruit, whole grain pasta, bread and tortillias, high fiber cereal, chicken (not fried) etc. I am switching from diet soda to water too. I guess I will just keep working at this until I figure it out. But at this rate, it may mean rocking and my great grandchildren and still trying to figure out how to get thin. . . Sigh!
For now, I am going to keep on concentrating on good health and exercise and let the pounds fall where they may (or most likely may not!)